Have you ever wondered why you make yourself invisible, procrastinate, or please others to get their approval? According to Dr. Friedemann Schaub, our subconscious employs these types of survival patterns to protect us. But, living in a survival mode has significant downsides.
In a recent conversation, Dr. Schaub discussed the subconscious mind, our survival patterns, and why we live this way.
How did you change from being a physician and molecular biologist to helping people overcome anxiety and powerlessness?
I had suffered from anxiety, low self-esteem and obsessive-compulsive behaviors from ten until my early thirties. I know how overwhelming and disempowering our emotions can feel. But once I learned how to work consciously with the subconscious mind, the source of our feelings, I overcame my emotional challenges and turned them into catalysts to discover my authentic truth and harness my untapped potential. Until I healed and outgrew my anxiety, I believed my career was in medicine and academia. Looking back, it is clear that it was always my purpose and passion to help you to break through your emotional blocks and become the empowered leader of your life.
I received my medical degree from the University of Munich, Germany and pursued a career in cardiology at the University Hospital. Over the years, I became increasingly concerned with our lack of time for our patients and the somewhat “mechanical” healing approach of allopathic medicine. So I decided to take a break and accepted a scholarship for a postdoctoral research position at the University of Washington in Seattle, which, after four years, gave me a Ph.D. in molecular biology.
Being immersed in the world of basic research significantly changed my perspective on human potential. As a physician, I was trained to view the body as rather fragile and prone to failure. Science, however, illuminated a simple fact that I hadn’t fully realized until then: every cell of our bodies has an intelligence and unlimited potential to grow, adapt, and heal in ways that are still far too complex for us to comprehend fully.
For me, the next logical questions were what is this regulating consciousness, and how can we access and work with it to utilize our innate healing potential as effectively as possible? This was when I became fascinated by the mind-body-spirit connection.
The longer I studied the mind-body-spirit connection, the more I realized how our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs strongly impact health and illness and how the subconscious mind holds the keys to accelerated healing, change and growth. Realizing the enormous potential of conscious-subconscious collaboration, I extensively studied mind-activating modalities and became a certified master practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Time Line Therapy TM, and trainer in clinical hypnotherapy. Based on my multifaceted knowledge and experiences, I created a Personal Breakthrough Program designed to eliminate deep-seated emotional baggage, self-sabotaging patterns and limiting beliefs preventing us from leading productive, fulfilling and balanced lives. In my first book, The Fear and Anxiety Solution, I described a step-by-step process to overcome fear and anxiety by finding and resolving their subconscious root causes. This was just the beginning. After helping thousands of people worldwide overcome anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and chronic stress, I’ve found that the key to profound and lasting change is to establish an authentically empowered relationship with ourselves. How we get there is what my new book, The Empowerment Solution, is all about.
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Survival modes, triggered by stress and anxiety, become a problem when they become our default ways of being.”
What does it mean to live in survival mode?
To help us cope with life’s challenges, our subconscious mind employs two survival modes, avoiding and pleasing. Both strategies aim to protect us from what the subconscious considers dangerous threats, such as hurt, criticism, ridicule, rejection, failure, and abandonment. There’s nothing wrong, per se, with these survival modes. Most of us use them in various aspects of our lives. But survival modes, triggered by stress and anxiety, become a problem when they become our default ways of being. Living in survival mode is going through life with unceasing vigilance and self-defense. Instead of calmly and confidently approaching each day, we spend most of our time and energy afraid of potential hurt, failure, or rejection. And considering the high prevalence of anxiety and stress, it’s fair to assume that a large percentage of our society is living in a perpetual survival mindset.
Why do so many people end up living in survival mode?
Despite (or may be due to) the enormous technological advancements of the last decades, for many of us the demands of modern day life have become increasingly challenging to handle. As we push through our busy weeks, driven by intense pressure to gain job security, maintain a certain lifestyle or just make ends meet – while caring for the kids - there remains very little time to relax, reflect and recuperate. Add unprecedented global challenges, such as climate change, gun violence, COVID-19, inflation, and war, and it is no wonder that stress, anxiety and depression have been called ‘the epidemic of the 21st century’. It all sounds pretty overwhelming and disempowering, right? That’s what our inner protector, our subconscious mind, thinks as well, which is why it’s rushing to the rescue by activating our survival patterns.
What is the role of the subconscious mind?
Our subconscious mind developed these survival patterns early in our lives when we depended entirely on the adults around us. It didn’t take significant trauma, neglect, and abuse for the inner protector to doubt our safety. We may have had a completely ordinary upbringing on paper, yet, because some of us are more sensitive, a relentlessly teasing brother, our parents’ disappointed look when we didn’t receive straight A’s, or the time when our best friend ditched us for somebody else, signified that life is scary and we need to watch out to avoid getting hurt. Our subconscious uses these emotionally charged memories as reference points for the future by condensing them into beliefs that define our perspective of ourselves and the world around us. The most common ones are, “I am not safe, I am not good enough, I don’t belong, I am not loveable, and the world isn’t a good/safe place.” In survival mode, our subconscious is on continuous high alert, scanning for any potential danger similar to what we’ve experienced in the past. Once a threat is detected, let’s say by our boss criticizing our work or a friend not returning our calls, negative self-talk, anxiety, insecurity, or shame kick in and set subconscious survival patterns in motion. Caught in this survival loop, we shift from being competent adults to behaving like we did when we were children. We shrink like kids when we feel criticized or overextend ourselves to get approval. Even though rationally, we know that we should shrug off other people’s opinions and face potential challenges calmly and level-headed, the subconscious survival patterns continue to override any logic and reasoning.
What defines the avoider and the pleaser patterns?
The premise of the avoider patterns is that other people are potential threats we need to stay away from, because they can hurt, judge and reject us. The pleaser patterns assume that the best way to avoid painful rejection and abandonment is to gain approval from others. When the pleaser patterns dominate parts of our lives, we are keenly aware of others’ needs and desires and hope that by attending to their expectations, we will receive the acceptance and appreciation we deeply crave. While others may regard us as good friends and caretakers, our relationship with ourselves lacks awareness, acceptance, and compassion.
What are the six most common avoider and pleaser survival patterns?
The avoider and pleaser modes consist of six distinct survival patterns—the victim, the invisible, the procrastinator, the chameleon, the helper, and the lover. The victim pattern tries to protect us by holding on to hurt, anger and resentment toward those who’ve hurt us. In the invisible pattern, we make ourselves small and unnoticeable to not draw unwanted attention. The procrastinator pattern makes us avoid goals, tasks and responsibilities to not have to endure discomfort, judgment and failure. In the chameleon pattern, we assimilate and adjust our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to anyone who may provide us with a sense of safety and belonging. The helper pattern’s goal is to create safety by generously serving others and thus gain their approval and become indispensable. With the lover pattern, we try to find a sense of worthiness through intimate relationships and earn love and attention from ‘the chosen one’ through extreme generosity, sexual availability and unquestioning loyalty.
How do these patterns make us give our power away – and create anxiety?
Short-term, hiding behind victimhood, denying ourselves to be seen or heard, putting off the tasks at hand, or over-giving and over-pleasing can give us a sense of safety or belonging. But when survival patterns become our default ways of being and make us approach life in constant self-defense, we face two significant downsides. A: We become even more powerless because we believe our safety and well-being depend on others instead of finding peace, strength, and validation from within. And B: Since we don’t slow down to listen to our thoughts, face our emotions, or ask deep questions such as, “What do I really want?” “What is my purpose?” or “What is the meaning of life?” we never develop strong self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-worth. We eventually become more than powerless—we become disconnected from ourselves. Depression and hopelessness set in when we realize that no matter how many people or situations we avoid and how much approval we receive, we still end up stuck, powerless, and unsure of who we are and whether we matter. This is why survival patterns, in contrast to their intentions, ultimately don’t ease our struggles with stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem but instead intensify and prolong them.
One of the survival patterns is the ‘chameleon.’ This ‘fitting in at all costs’ pattern of behavior has been amplified by social media. Can you share more about this?
When we approach life through the chameleon pattern, we find security in blending in with our environment by becoming whatever others want us to be. In contrast to the invisible pattern, the chameleon needs a sense of fitting in and belonging to feel safe. The problem with living in the chameleon survival pattern is that we don’t have a true sense of self because we only identify with our surroundings. Hence, as chameleons we are often very uncomfortable being by ourselves. There are, in particular, four fears that make blending increasingly prevalent in our society:
· The Fear of Standing Out—AKA the Fear of Rejection and Conflict
· The Fear of Not Standing out Enough—AKA the Fear of Invisibility
· The Fear of Missing Out—AKA the Fear of Abandonment
· The Fear of “The Others”—AKA the Fear of Outside Danger to the Tribe
Due to the internet and social media, the number of sources influencing and shaping our opinions of ourselves and the world is much more significant than just a few decades ago. While in the past, we relied on our families, friends, teachers, religious leaders, and other authority figures in our communities to give us direction about navigating life, we’re now facing an unfathomable amount of information to sift through. Every day, we’re bombarded by messages about how we should and shouldn’t be, what’s acceptable, what makes us losers and what is ‘the truth’. The ensuing overwhelm, coupled with growing uncertainty about what advice and trends to follow, causes many a chronic state of fear and anxiety—the fuel for the chameleon pattern.
Can you explain what you mean by the ‘essence’ at the core of our being and why we should reconnect with our essence or true self?
Our authentic truth, the essence of who we are, is the source from which we can draw our most powerful aspects, such as unconditional love, compassion, selflessness, and forgiveness, even for those who have hurt us the most. It’s the light that gives us hope, strength, and direction as we pass through the darker valleys of our lives. And it’s that inner wisdom that knows who we are, what we desire, and why we’re here. In nature, a tiny seed contains all the information and potential to grow into a tree, a lion, or a human being. Similarly, our truth holds all the information and the potential we need to evolve into the fullest expression of our truth. It’s impossible to capture this essence in words, but we can certainly sense it. When we reconnect with our essence we remember that life is not just about ‘making it through’ but that there is a higher purpose we all have in common: to discover, express, and share our authentic self and its multitude of gifts and qualities with the world.
Your book provides readers with the steps to update their ‘owner’s manual’ – what do you mean by that?
Given that the subconscious runs and holds onto the survival patterns, it is tempting to blame this part of our mind. Yet, blaming the subconscious for getting in our way is like blaming the brakes in our car for slowing us down. Our subconscious just does its job: to keep us alive and unharmed. However, since many of its protective patterns started early in our lives and are based on limiting beliefs, we must continuously review and revise our subconscious’ operation manual.
Being aware of our beliefs, as self-limiting they may appear, is the first step to updating them. Like using a map from 1965 to find our way around New York City, navigating through life with outdated beliefs will not get us to a place of happiness and fulfillment. In addition, these old, limiting beliefs usually aren’t based on who we are, but on how we’ve been treated by others, which generally says more about them than it does about us.
Each chapter of The Empowerment Solution provides us the awareness and insights to rewrite our personal owner’s manual for a more fulfilling and empowering way to create and engage in our life. A life that reflects our true potential and not the limited version of ourselves that has been run by survival patterns.
Beyond readers purchasing your new book, The Empowerment Solution, what other services or programs do you offer?
Over the last 20 years, I have helped thousands of my clients worldwide via Zoom, Skype or phone sessions to get unstuck from their fears, anxieties and self-sabotaging patterns and build a solid foundation of confidence and self-appreciation. I am providing a 1-on-1 breakthrough program, as well as a online seminar called from Anxiety to Empowerment.
Dr. Friedemann Schaub, a physician with a PhD in molecular biology, left his career in allopathic medicine to pursue his passion and purpose of helping people overcome fear and anxiety without medication. For more than 20 years, he has helped thousands of his clients worldwide to break through their mental and emotional blocks and become the empowered leaders of their lives. Dr. Friedemann is the author of the award-winning book, The Fear and Anxiety Solution. His newest book, The Empowerment Solution, focuses on activating the healing power of the subconscious mind to switch out of stress - and anxiety - driven survival mode and make authenticity and confidence the everyday way of being.