Written by Linda Mitchell, the founder of Living Inspired Coaching.
Do you have a long list of responsibilities, duties, and expectations that constantly demand attention? Are you carrying the weight of self-imposed obligations or duties unloaded by others onto your shoulders? It’s important to discern the difference between what you truly need to do and what’s a habitual pattern or a responsibility you’ve taken on unnecessarily. Obligations and responsibilities are not a bad thing until they begin to overwhelm you, steal your joy or create resentment. Fortunately, there’s a way out.
Stop “should-ing” on yourself! Breaking free of over-committing is a process, especially if it’s a deeply ingrained habit. This habit comes from trying to be generous and do your best, but when accepting an abundance of commitments becomes a reflex instead of a carefully chosen act, the whole process goes awry and creates unnecessary pain and suffering.
I always say that our issues land in our tissues, and a heavy list of duties lands in our shoulders. One who runs is a runner. One who golfs is a golfer. One who “shoulds” is a should-er. Remove that dash and you’ll see exactly where your overdeveloped sense of obligation and misplaced responsibility lands in your body…your shoulders! The next time you find yourself swamped with obligation, responsibility and things you believe you should do, take note of how much stress and tension your shoulders are holding.
False obligation and a perpetual sense of ‘I should’ is born of thoughts, beliefs, feelings and patterns developed early in life. Are there early memories, events or experiences that created an addiction to saying, “I should”? Or perhaps your inner critic is talking. Does deciding not to do something make you feel wrong or bad? Dig deeper and get curious about why. Changes on the outside begin with changes on the inside.
“One who runs is a runner. One who golfs is a golfer. One who “shoulds” is a should-er.”
Certainly, follow through with your duties and responsibilities, but be more discerning about what you demand of yourself. Here’s a simple example: Do you believe you should complete every single item on your to-do list in order to feel productive each day? Do you think you should do all the chores before enjoying some much-needed downtime? These are simple examples to get you thinking about your own commitments and self-imposed must-do’s.
A brilliant way to stop should-ing on yourself is to write a list of all the things you feel you should do. Rewrite this list replacing the word should with could and extend each sentence by adding “or I could choose not to at this time”. Give yourself permission to choose. Pause to see how that feels. “I should”, implies a guilty and uncomfortable outcome if the task isn’t completed. “I could”, means you’re taking responsibility for your actions in the moment, yet creating freedom of choice. It’s a whole different energy! It’s a liberating exercise which also inspires a fresh perspective. You’ll likely identify habits and tasks that can be re-prioritized or even eliminated if they no longer align with your current vision and important goals. Are there should-do’s that are really could-do’s? Believing you should, feels heavy and restrictive but intentionally creating a choice is liberating. That’s the only SHOULD there is!
Ask yourself, how can I choose to create more harmony, peace and joy in my life right now? What obligations have I taken on that I can let go of or delegate? Feel the difference between “I have to” and “I get to”. Even difficult tasks feel lighter when you do them with a sense of choice versus a sense of obligation. You’ll be surprised how quickly this small change helps reduce your stress and shoulder tension and allows you to reclaim your freedom and joy.