Written by Lawrence Doochin, author of A Book On Fear: Feeling Safe In A Challenging World
I was sexually abused by my mother during puberty. As you can imagine, this had significant consequences for my self-worth. I came out of that experience with a certain set of colored beliefs. We are each conditioned by childhood, whether we have undergone obvious trauma or not.
Not only did my abuse create a lot of guilt, shame, and anger in me, but it also created tremendous fear and a need to control. When we have been physically, emotionally, mentally, or sexually abused, we try to control situations and other people to keep ourselves safe. Certainly, I did not recognize any of the underlying effects of my abuse well into my twenties. I was just an angry person, which is how most people react when they are in fear.
I realized around age 30 that I had a large amount of dysfunction, which was inherited from my abuse and which was creating unhappiness within myself and my relationships, especially with my wife and children. Something pushed me to start individual therapy as I knew that life could be much better than living as the angry and depressed person that I was. I also entered into a spiritual path at the same time.
My thirties and into my forties held some difficult times for me and my family as I worked to unwind many false beliefs I held about myself, but I was grateful for the positive changes occurring in me. I have always viewed this process as peeling an onion — you take off one layer of beliefs to discover a deeper layer underneath it. Being willing to look at our unhealthy patterns is the key to growth and eventually getting out of fear for good. Once we start to shine the light of awareness on what is supporting it, our fear dissipates.
One thing I learned early on and could apply in every situation was to watch my emotions and reactions and ask what the belief was that was behind them. For instance, I often was angry because I could not control a person or situation, which stemmed from fear. This pointed me back to the abuse. I also realized that my judgment of others was just my self-judgment being projected out.
Carl Jung, the father of analytical psychology, said, “Projection is one of the commonest psychic phenomena. Everything that is unconscious in ourselves we discover in our neighbor and treat him accordingly.” So my task was to pull my judgments and projections back in, realizing this was how I felt about myself. Every time I made an awareness on the above situations and others, I healed a little more.
Additionally, I recognized that there were numerous personal and business situations where I saw myself as a victim and gave away my power to others. These were some hard lessons — as I had to learn that power resides in me, and in my knowing and trusting in who I am. Giving our power away to others or even authorities in the hope or expectation that they will take care of us is actually disempowering, and causes a lot of fear.
“Projection is one of the commonest psychic phenomena. Everything that is unconscious in ourselves we discover in our neighbor and treat him accordingly”
As I released those false beliefs, my fear would increasingly dissipate as what was true began to be revealed. What I had previously believed about myself came only from my experiences, but my emotional work and spiritual journey helped me to see that my identity was not my experiences. My spiritual journey also helped me to trust in something outside of myself, which I call God, and to believe that this benevolent force “had my back” so to speak. I felt that love and support, and I was slowly able to release the need for control.
My spiritual revelations also helped me to understand that there was much more than this narrow ego lens of my experiences on this planet. We are all here for a purpose, and we can take comfort that we are individually and collectively being guided, loved, and supported, and that there is much we cannot understand. This was huge in my releasing fear, and these realizations have been my bedrock during the turbulent times we have been living in.
Take these five essential steps to release yourself from fear:
Acknowledge it. You can’t solve something if you are in denial about it.
Ask for help. Asking for help is a type of surrender. Even if you don’t have any type of spiritual or religious belief, there are many human helpers you can turn to.
Watch your emotional reactions. If you are angry, ask what belief you are angry about — usually it’s a fear over something. If you are blaming (that’s been big lately!) or being judgmental, and feeling unwilling to forgive, pull that projection back and ask what belief is supporting that judgment. You will notice that as you do this, your judgments soften. Those who are most trapped in fear are the least willing to release judgment and let their beliefs evolve. We see this manifested in all the polarization around us.
Don’t be judgmental of yourself — as this is a process. Be kind and especially compassionate to yourself. We are all being pushed to evolve and grow, both individually and collectively.
Be willing and be hungry for positive change! It won’t always be easy, but you have to follow the steps you are shown. Your choice is to stay in the prison cell of your fear, or to be a warrior and take the steps to release yourself from that cell. You are your own jailer. But you are also much more powerful than you know. And you are meant to live a joy-filled life.