Last week, one of my dear friends reached out to me in tears. She told me she had just learned that members of her family had been spreading unkind stories about her. She was devastated because she did not know what she had done wrong that led her to being talked about so callously. She said she called a cousin with whom she felt the closest and asked what was being said and why. Even though no valid reason was offered for their behavior, my friend learned their words were extremely mean-spirited and her heart was broken. 

Listening to her story brought back many memories about behavior I have experienced at the hands of my so called loved ones - lies that were spread and relationships that were severed as a result of their actions. I understood the depth of my friend’s excruciating pain and it got me to wondering why this type of betrayal cuts so deep.

According to experts, when someone talks about you—especially negatively—it can affect your emotions and self-esteem. This hurt stems from several psychological and emotional factors.

First and probably foremost, it’s a betrayal of trust. If the person gossiping is someone you trusted, it feels like a personal betrayal. Knowing that someone close shared things behind your back can cause disappointment and a sense of being let down. Trust is a key part of emotional safety, and when it’s broken, it triggers feelings of vulnerability and insecurity.

In addition, unfounded gossip causes you to believe that you’ve lost control over your story. Gossip can create anxiety about how others see you, especially if the information is distorted or untrue. It can feel unsettling when others spread narratives about you that you can’t correct or control. This loss of control over how you’re perceived can lead to frustration and helplessness.

The feeling that others are shaping your image without your input can heighten insecurities and leave you questioning your worth. Hurtful words can trigger self-doubt, making you wonder if there’s truth to what’s being said, even if the gossip is baseless. For some, it can resurface unresolved insecurities, such as the fear of not being good enough, which intensifies the pain.

Furthermore, gossip also causes a sense of rejection. Humans are social beings, wired to seek belonging. Gossip or negative talk can feel like exclusion from the social group, triggering emotions of loneliness, shame, and abandonment.

Here are seven ways that can help you get over the hurt.

Acknowledge your feelings. It’s normal to feel hurt, angry, or betrayed. Allow yourself to process those emotions instead of suppressing them. Journaling, talking to a friend, or practicing mindfulness can help you work through what you’re feeling.

Reframe the situation. Understand that gossip often says more about the person spreading it than about you. Insecurity, jealousy, or a desire for attention might be driving their behavior. Remind yourself that other people’s opinions do not define your worth.

Confront the issue if necessary. If the situation involves a close relationship, consider calmly addressing the person. Express how the gossip made you feel, and ask for clarification or closure. Sometimes, simply clarifying misunderstandings can ease the hurt and prevent future incidents.

Focus on supportive relationships. Lean on friends or family who know your true character and value you for who you are. Surrounding yourself with positive connections can counterbalance the negativity. Avoid isolating yourself, as staying socially connected helps restore your sense of belonging.

Practice self-compassion and forgiveness. Be kind to yourself and avoid harsh self-criticism. Remind yourself of your strengths and achievements, and focus on what makes you unique. Forgiving the person who hurt you—whether directly or internally—allows you to move forward without being weighed down by anger or resentment.

Redirect your energy. Engage in activities that uplift you, such as hobbies, exercise, or volunteering. Shifting your focus to things that bring you joy helps you move past the negativity. Set new personal goals and invest in your growth. Achieving even small milestones can restore confidence and remind you of your potential.

Let go and move forward. While it’s natural to dwell on hurtful experiences, holding on to the pain only prolongs your suffering. Accept that not everyone’s opinion matters, and release the need to control what others think.

By focusing on your well-being and surrounding yourself with positivity, you can heal from the hurt and grow stronger from the experience.