One of the questions that I am often asked by email, via Facebook, or during my lectures, is how to permanently end a relationship with someone that is a negative force in a person’s life. I have heard many terms to describe these types of people, but one of my favorites is energy vampire, because the person zaps the life out of you.
A relationship doesn’t have to be romantic to fall into the toxic category.
Ending a relationship can be one of life’s greatest challenges. We all have a few people in our lives that we allow to treat us in a manner less than we deserve. Cognitively we know that if we don’t change something, the result will be the same, but once that music starts, we jump right into the same old dance.
Eight years ago this month, I published the first issue of 24 Seven magazine. I had never untaken anything on my own of such magnitude.
What was once a seemingly crazy idea, has blossomed into more than I could ever have imagined. The magazine’s pages have been graced with the wisdom of so many inspiring and influential thought-leaders; people who are making a real difference in the world. And, each has entrusted me with his or her words.
I spend most days on autopilot, never really grasping the scope of where my brand is going. On some level I understand it, but on another, I am totally amazed.
This morning when I visited our digital hosting site, I learned that the October issue, from this site alone, was viewed more than 739,000 times. Nearly one million people opened my publication. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I am humbled to know that this “little” digital magazine is touching so many lives!
I recently learned that my ex husband got engaged. After living for more than three decades with this man in my life, I must admit, hearing this news was a punch in the gut. I spent the next two days with a horrible feeling surrounding me, you know that uneasiness you get in your stomach after someone close passes away? My body was on edge, I shook inside, and could not shed the anxiousness of impending doom. Even with all of the horrific things that transpired between us, I had an emotional reaction to his engagement.
I’m not really sure why I felt the way I did. I knew he was dating someone exclusively and we haven’t been part of each other’s lives for six years (as he severed all ties when he met her), and yet, I felt a tremendous sense of loss. Loss of the life we were supposed to live, loss of the family I so desperately wanted, loss of many dreams.
I thought I had grieved the divorce and moved on, my life is on a wonderful trajectory and I’m happy, but, there I was again, right in the middle of the pain. Divorce truly is the gift that just keeps giving!
How we feel about ourselves dictates the way we live life. It impacts the way we approach just about everything we do. Yet, sadly, many people struggle to believe in their worth and abilities.
Throughout my life, my levels of self-confidence have ebbed and flowed. Growing up I was an overweight adolescent, which had a significant effect on how I viewed myself. When you’re young, external validation is so important and when that is compromised, it can stay with you forever. When I became a teenager, I lost weight, but, to be honest, my self-image didn’t change. The programming was written, and, as I later learned, only I could modify it.
For the past few weeks, friends and family has had to listen to me ramble on about the pool I just added to my backyard. Hearing me one would think I had the most beautifully designed masterpiece installed. In reality, it’s an average oval-shaped, above ground pool. Nothing spectacular or particularly enchanting, and yet, the excitement is pouring out of every inch of me.
It seems like every day we hear a new story about sexual harassment. What was once whispered in back corners at work is now making headline news. More and more women today are being empowered to share their story, say enough, and take back their dignity.
Just about every woman I know has experienced some form of inappropriate behavior. From the slip of the hand, to the condescending comment, to the dirty joke, it’s something most of us can relate to.
I recently spoke with former Fox News Channel host, Gretchen Carlson, to discuss this prominent issue and to learn what she believes are ways that women can reclaim their power against injustice and abuse.
I recently presented a keynote address to a group of business professionals. During the speech I talked about the importance of eliminating negative voices – our own and those from external sources. I explained that there are many people, for whatever reason, consciously or unconsciously, who will say things that can have a detrimental impact one’s self-esteem and ability to move forward.
Anyone that puts him/herself “out there” and takes a risk knows what I’m talking about. The well-meaning people who offer “friendly” advice designed to “help” you out. Or, the direct words of condemnation that tell you exactly why you will never succeed at what you are attempting to do.
The aftermath of this presentation was no different than what I have experienced for years. I was greeted by most with words of affirmation and encouragement. But, then there were a few …
Are you a giver? I am. I’ll do anything possible for anyone, any time. I have spent most of my life taking care of others, putting myself second, and sometimes, third, fourth or fifth. After many years, I found myself feeling hurt, rejected, used, and resentful. I created an unhealthy pattern for my life, for which I have paid the price.
While it is important to take care of others, it is equally important to understand your motivation. I thought it was my way of expressing love and affection. What I have come to learn is that, while part of it was from love, another part was my need to be accepted and loved. I was trying to make others care for me, so I gave to them and worked hard to please them.
The problem with my M.O. is that I was coming from a place of insecurity and low self worth. I was trying, in essence, to buy affection.
With the right people, the approach may work out as they are giving as much as you. But, with the wrong people, you will be left feeling alone, depleted, and even more insecure.
August 8 marks the fourth anniversary of my divorce. Growing up, just like most people, when I envisioned marriage, I saw the “they lived happily ever after” ending. Divorce was not in my frame of reference. My parents were married 56 years at the time of my father’s passing, and my grandparents made it to 72 years. They were my role models of what was to be – divorce was not part of my life plan. But as the old saying goes, “it is what it is,” and so I adapted.
With my divorce came many adjustments; some wonderful, some not so. One of the most difficult challenges that I’ve had to endure, and one, which to be honest, I never expected, was being relegated to the world of single womandom; the community of women who no longer get invited to socialize with couples. The outcasts that colonized together much like the lepers of Biblical times.
Recently I had the opportunity to engage in conversation with astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, who is best known for the Apollo 11 space mission, the first spaceflight that landed humans on the moon. Neil Armstrong was the first to step on the lunar surface and Buzz followed within minutes.
In our discussion, Buzz told me that after that flight, he was angry, sad, depressed, and anxious at being labeled number two. It drove him crazy whenever he was introduced as the second man to walk on the moon. This went on for years.