Last week I had lunch with a friend who was distraught due to a recent breakup. After being out of the dating game for many years, she finally took the plunge and went on a blind date. After a slow start, the relationship took off and she was very happy for many months.

She explained to me that once she found herself getting closer to her partner, she began to experience anxiety and fear about the relationship. She is the survivor of extensive past trauma and for a long time had trouble trusting others wouldn’t “abandon” her (her words). She told me that she spent years doing the healing work necessary in order to move on and was surprised that these feelings reared their ugly head. Without realizing it, she returned to her old modus operandi and created issues that ultimately resulted in a breakup.

Now distraught, she wonders if she will ever be able to have a healthy relationship and is struggling to trust that she won’t hurt another person in the process.

Abandonment issues often stem from past experiences of rejection, neglect, or abandonment, leading to deep-seated fears of being left or rejected. People with abandonment issues often experience a complex mix of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations.

·      They have a deep-seated fear of being abandoned, rejected, or left behind.

·      They’re constantly on the lookout for signs of rejection or abandonment.

·      They have difficulty trusting oneself, others, or the relationship.

·      They feel unworthy of love, attention, or connection.

·      They ruminate taking part in critical inner voice, self-blame, or negative self-talk.

·      They experience intense sadness, grief, or emotional pain due to past or present feelings of abandonment.

·      They catastrophize expecting the worst-case scenario or assuming abandonment is imminent.

·      They are hypervigilant constantly monitoring the environment, relationships, or partner's behavior for signs of abandonment.

·      They alternate between seeking closeness and pushing partners away due to fear of abandonment.

Common triggers for people who experience fear of abandonment may include physical or emotional distance from a partner or loved one, perceived rejection or criticism during conflicts, changes in routine or plans, feeling neglected or unimportant due to a partner's busy schedule, feeling ignored or dismissed due to infrequent or unclear communication, and changes in living situation or environment

 Building a healthy relationship requires self-awareness, communication, and a willingness to work through challenges.  It’s important to recognize situations that trigger abandonment feelings and develop strategies to cope, and to recognize how abandonment issues affect your relationships and daily life. Here are some key things to consider:

·      Educate yourself. Learn about abandonment issues, their causes, and effects.

·      Establish open communication. Encourage your partner to share their feelings, fears, and triggers.

·      Validate emotions. Acknowledge and accept feelings, even if you don't fully understand their experiences.

·      Reassure and comfort. Offer physical comfort and reassurance when your partner is feeling anxious or insecure.

·      Establish trust. Be reliable, follow through on commitments, and maintain open communication.

·      Avoid triggers. Be mindful of triggers that may cause your partner distress.

·      Encourage self-reflection. Support your partner in exploring their feelings, needs, and boundaries.

·      Seek professional help. Consider couples therapy or individual counseling to work through abandonment issues.

 Practicing self-care is vital to improving mental health. Learn to self soothe. Develop techniques to induce calm during stressful or triggering situations. Engage in activities that promote emotional well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or creative pursuits.

 Remember, every individual's experience with abandonment issues is unique. But with patience, empathy, and support, a strong and resilient relationship is possible.